The Muppets/The HangoverCharacter(s)/Pairing(s):
Spoilers for the film if you haven't already seen it!Summary:
Scooter is getting married and his close friends decide a weekend in Vegas is what he needs before the big day, but the weekend doesn't quite go to plan. They wake up the next morning with no memory of the night before and no Scooter.
What did they get up to that night? Where is Scooter? Will they find him in time for his wedding? Did the Muppets take Las Vegas or did Las Vegas take the Muppets?
The Muppets Take Las Vegas
The sun beat down on the sidewalk as Scooter and Fozzy walked to the tailors to get fitted for their suits.
“Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The Ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent! Wakka wakka wakka!”
“Very good, Fozzy,” replied Scooter as they entered the shop.
“Did you want to see my new trick?” Fozzy asked.
“Not right now, we need to get fitted for our suits, for the wedding,” Scooter told him exasperatedly.
“I’m working on it for the wedding. It’s going to be my best show ever!” Fozzy exclaimed excitedly.
“We haven’t said you can perform at the wedding,” Scooter replied, confused. Then he saw how crestfallen Fozzy looked and said, “You are, of course you are performing at the wedding!”
Fozzy brightened up considerably at that and started excitedly chatting on about his magic show and all the tricks he was going to do and how they were going to be so much better than the last time, which was a time that Scooter would far rather forget. Scooter stood patiently whilst the tailor measured him up, arms, back, neck, waist, outer leg and inner leg.
“That should do it,” said the tailor, an American Eagle called Sam.
He disappeared out the back and then came back with a suit in the style chosen for the wedding for Scooter to try. Scooter accepted it and went in to the changing room whilst Sam turned to Fozzy to measure him up.
“Are you looking forward to Vegas, Fozzy?” Scooter asked, knowing that Fozzy would find the measuring uncomfortable and hoping to distract him.
“Oh yes,” came the reply.
“I’m glad you agreed to come along. It’s going to be great fun,” said Scooter.
A breathy squeal came from the shop, followed by some disgruntled muttering that could only have been coming from the tailor.
“What’s going on?” Scooter asked stepping out from behind the curtain, suit trousers on doing up his untucked shirt and trying not to drop the bowtie, which he had no idea of how to fasten, it being a length of material and not a pre-made bow with fastener. Sometimes, just sometimes, he wished he’d paid more attention to the details of this wedding.
“He touched me!” exclaimed Fozzy, running over to where Scooter stood.
“I did no such thing!” declared Sam haughtily. “I was merely measuring his inside leg.”
“He touched me!” Fozzy exclaimed again.
“It’s ok Fozzy,” Scooter said as he patted him on the shoulder. “He wasn’t trying to touch you, he was measuring your leg. If he, erm, brushed against anything, it was merely by accident.”
Fozzy visibly relaxed, but still stared at the tailor as though he wasn’t convinced.
“Have you got enough to pick out a suit that will fit?” Scooter asked.
“Yes, I suppose that will have to do,” replied Sam haughtily and he went out in the back to get one.
“Do you think your friends will like me?” Fozzy asked Scooter.
“Of course they will Fozzy,” Scooter reassured him, “Just try not to tell too many silly jokes.”
“What, like, did you hear about the magic tractor?”
“Yes, try not to tell jokes like that one,” Scooter replied.
“But did you hear about the magic tractor?” Fozzy asked.
Sighing because he knew he’d have to hear the joke, Scooter replied, “No, I didn’t hear about the magic tractor.”
“It went down the road and turned into a field! Wakka wakka wakka!”
He laughed with Fozzy more out of politeness than because the joke was funny. Deep down, he was worried about Fozzy coming with him on his bachelor party. The others might make fun of him and, whilst he could be a pain, he was lovable and Scooter didn’t want his future wife’s brother to get hurt whilst in his care, it would be no way to start their life together, she’d never forgive him.
Scooter and Fozzy pull up outside Gonzo’s science lab on the university campus in Fozzy’s father’s pristine Cadillac convertible.
“I still don’t get why you’re driving, I mean, it’s my
Dad’s car,” whined Fozzy.
“Because your Dad told me not to let you and that was the only way I was getting the keys, alright?” replied Scooter exasperated because they’d had this conversation five times with his Dad before they’d even left the house and this was the third time since they’d got in the car. “Now just drop it will you, we’re supposed to be having fun!”
At that moment there was a load bang, a shattering of glass and a plume of smoke billowed out of the lab where moments before they were sure there had been a window. The next thing they knew, Gonzo had thrown his bag in the boot and leapt into the car, motioning at Fozzy to get in the back, which he did, and settling himself into the front seat.
“Go go go!” he shouted excitedly at Scooter, “Vegas baby!”
“But, what about that?” Scooter asked, pointing towards the lab.
“Oh, don’t worry about that,” Gonzo dismissed it all with a wave of his arm, “It’ll be cleaned up by the time I get back.”
Thinking it best not to ask, Scooter put the car in gear and safely pulled away from the curb and headed in the direction of Kermit’s house, the last one to pick up before they hit the open road.
Kermit was sat on his front wall waiting for them and waved when he saw them turn into the road.
“Hi guys!” he said as he placed his bag in the boot and hopped into the car to sit next to Fozzy. “How’re you all doing?”
“Good thanks Kermit,” replied Scooter. “You all good?”
“Oh yes,” Kermit nodded. “Ready when you are!”
And with that, Scooter set the sat nav for Vegas and turned towards the open road as Gonzo turned the music up. The radio was playing “Me and Julio Down By the Schoolyard” and they all whooped and started singing along as their journey began.
It was a four and a half hour drive to Vegas and they crested the hill to see it in all its glory, lights illuminating the desert around it. They all whooped for joy, the excitement of the trip hitting a peak as it became more real than imagined. Scooter navigated the Cadillac into the town and down the famous Strip, hotels looming over them on either side, lights and music playing, people moved around the streets with a bounce in their step, the excitement of the city illuminating their faces.
Scooter pulled the car up outside Caesars Palace and they all climbed out the car, Kermit gathered the bags up from everyone, putting them on a trolley for a valet to take into the hotel as Scooter gave the car keys to another waiting valet.
“This place is great!” commented Kermit, not being used to being waited on hand and foot.
Nodding in agreement the others joined him and they headed into the hotel, feeling like they were on top of the world.
They approached the front desk to find a robot waiting to assist them.
“How can I be of assistance?” he asked jerkily.
“Oh great, a robot,” muttered Gonzo under his breath, earning him an elbow to the chest from Kermit.
“We’re here to book in,” replied Kermit as he tried to see if there was a name badge.
“Totally tubular! Welcome to Caesars Palace!” ‘80s Robot replied, “What name are you booked under?”
“Gonzo,” Kermit replied.
‘80s Robot plugged himself in and they all cringed as a really loud and squealing modem noise emitted from his direction as he checked the computer. “Oh yes, four of you for one night in an economy suite. Is that right?”
“Absolutely not!” Gonzo butted in before Kermit could even open his mouth. “This is my best friend from childhood, Scooter right here, and in two days he will be marrying the girl of his dreams. We’ve all travelled here to reunite and rejoice in the next stage of his life. This simply cannot be done in an economy suite. You must have got the booking wrong.”
‘80s Robot apologised and re-loaded the computer, causing the noise to occur again which made them all wince. “The booking is not wrong, four for one night, economy suite.”
“Well, this is simply not good enough!” replied Gonzo as Kermit tugged at his arm trying to stop him from going on. “There must be something
you can do?”
‘80s Robot looked around him as if looking for help, or inspiration, and then said, “Would you like a TaB?” as he offered a can of the stuff to them over the counter.
“How about you find a better room for us to be put up in?!” Gonzo yelled in frustration.
There were more connection squeals and then ‘80s Robot said “I can offer you the Dean Martin suite for a very reasonable price hike.”
“We’ll take it,” Gonzo interrupted him. “Have room service send up some champagne and hors d’oeuvres right away!”
“Yes sir, of course,” ‘80s Robot said, “The suite calls for payment up front. How would you like to pay?”
“We’ll pay by card,” Gonzo replied pulling out his wallet. “Ah. I seem to have left my card behind. Kermit?”
Kermit sighed and pulled out his AmEx passing it over to ‘80s Robot. “This is going to cause me problems.”
“We’ll sort out the little details later,” Gonzo told him with a laugh, slapping him on his back.
With the room paid for and room service ordered, all that was left for them to do was go get settled in the suite. They all headed for the elevator and pressing the button for the suite even had Kermit stopped stressing about the money he’d just paid out and start getting back into the excitement of the weekend.
The suite had them all stunned for a moment. It was roomy, with lounge including a miniature grand piano; multiple en-suite bedrooms as well as a large stand-alone bathroom with Jacuzzi bath and jet stream shower. There’s a bar across the back wall of the lounge and a balcony across the front with massive windows and long flowing white curtains. The decor wasn’t what they were concentrating on though; the room service was already set up in the lounge.
“Let’s get this party started!” Gonzo yelled in excitement as he started opening a bottle of champagne, aiming the cork at the other three who were still stood in the doorway.
Scooter ducked and rolled into the lounge area, coming to a halt at the table and grabbing a champagne flute to get his share of the bubbles.
“This is so awesome!” he laughed.
Kermit and Fozzy joined them, grabbing a glass each, and soon they were all toasting the weekend, laughter and bubbles all round.
“Bagsy the four poster!” Fozzy shouts out, racing to the largest of the rooms and throwing himself onto the bed and bouncing on it.
The rest of them exchanged amused looks and then went to their respective rooms to dump their bags and get ready for the night.
“Wheels up in ten, mo’ fo’s!” yelled Gonzo as he got swept up in the excitement of the trip.
They all set about getting ready in their separate rooms, marvelling at the space the suite offered them and rejoicing in the fact that they no longer had to share rooms. Kermit was still worried about having to use his card for the suite. He got himself ready, then stared at himself in the mirror.
“Well, looking at yourself isn’t going to get this done!” he told his reflection, then he got his phone out and dialled.
He barely got a word in as his girlfriend answered his call and started quizzing him straight away. The conversation was pretty one sided, she jabbered away at him telling him everything she thought he was doing and he merely answered with a yes or a no or a non-committal noise.
“Well, that went well,” he said as he hung up the call.
“Lying to your girlfriend about where you are again?” quipped Gonzo as he breezed in.
lying to her about where you are!” Gonzo exclaimed.
“Yes, alright, yes I am,” sighed Kermit. “That’s why I didn’t want to use my card. I’m going to be in so much trouble when she finds out. I told her we were wine tasting in Napa Valley.”
Gonzo looked at Kermit for a moment. Then he threw back his head and roared with laughter. “Napa Valley!”
“It’s just easier than having another fight,” Kermit said fidgeting with embarrassment. “Don’t go on about it so much.”
“My lips are sealed Kermit, let’s go have some fun!” Gonzo slung his arm around Kermits shoulder and they walked out into the main room together to meet the others.
“Where’s Fozzy?” asked Kermit.
“Downstairs,” Scooter replied.
Kermit decided to gloss over the current absence of Scooter’s soon-to-be brother-in-law and held out his hand.
“Woah! That’s a beauty! But, you know, I’m already getting married, Kermit,” laughed Scooter.
“I’m going to propose. After the ceremony. It’s been three years, it’s time.” Kermit nodded as the others just gaped at him. “This was handed down to me from my grandmother. It survived the Great Destruction of the Swamp.”
“It’s a beautiful ring,” Scooter told him whilst Gonzo just snorted.
Scooter was about to question Gonzo about his noise when another noise, happening again and again, continuously like a drum beat and getting louder with each one, caught all of their attention.
“What?” was all that Scooter could manage.
Before anyone else could speak, Fozzy came into the room, a bottle in his hand and the strange noises coming from his feet.
“What are they?” asked Scooter.
“Fart shoes!” beamed Fozzy.
“You are not
wearing those out tonight,” Gonzo told him.
Fozzy’s face fell and Scooter quickly stepped in to defuse the fight he could see coming.
“They will lose their charm out on the town, Fozzy,” he placated. “Maybe you could wear them to breakfast instead?”
The others glared at him and he shrugged and mouthed at them, “Maybe he’ll forget?”
Fozzy was already starting to cheer up again.
“Alright,” he said taking them off. “But you must all come with me right now.”
Fozzy turned and walked back out the room towards the hallway, no fart sounds accompanied him, and the guys all followed a mixture of worry, fear and curiosity playing over their faces as they went.
They all got in the elevator and Fozzy grinned at them again, full on happy as if ‘fartgate’ never happened, and pressed the button for the top floor.
“Where are we going?” asked Kermit.
“You’ll see!” replied Fozzy excitedly.
The doors opened onto what looked like a service corridor and Fozzy skipped out of the elevator and down the corridor a little way to where there was a fire exit. He pushed open the door and then wedged it with a service trolley to keep it open.
“Come on!” he called to them.
They follow Fozzy out onto the roof bathed in the last tendrils of the setting sun and take in the stunning panorama. The Strip starting to light up for the nights’ entertainment with the mountains beyond, it takes their breath away.
“How the hell did you find this place?” Gonzo asked, awed. “It’s amazing!”
“Wow, look at that view,” Kermit said as he stared out across the roof tops.
“This is great!” Scooter told Fozzy as he looked around.
Fozzy merely kept on beaming at them all and then produced the bottle he’d had in his hand when he’d gone back to the suite.
“A toast?” he asked.
“Hell yeah!” cried Gonzo.
They all grouped around Fozzy as he handed out shots of Jägermeister. He held his up in the air and the others all joined theirs with his.
“To Scooter and his last night of freedom. Scooter!” Fozzy said.
They all cheered Scooter’s name and downed their shots. Glasses were refilled and they each toasted Scooter in turn, the toasts getting sillier and sillier as they went on. They could all tell that this was going to be a great night.
Sunlight poured into the suite, caressing Kermits face as he slept on the sofa. Camilla the Chicken slowly picked her way across the ransacked room, clucking intermittently and pecking at random crumbs on the floor. The door to the suite opened and shut as someone left and the noise it made woke Fozzy up. He stood up from where he had been laying on the floor behind the bar and almost immediately fell over again making a racket that woke Kermit from his stupor.
Kermit groaned as Fozzy managed to wend his way into the bathroom seeming to make the most noise muppetly possible. He forced himself to sit up, leaning against the back of the sofa because he really couldn’t face supporting his head and body of his own accord. His head was pounding and he really thought that going back to sleep would be the best thing for him, but his plan was interrupted by a gargled screaming from the bathroom that got louder as Fozzy ran back into the room.
“T..T..T…Tiger!” Fozzy stuttered and then promptly fell over Gonzo who had crashed out on the floor near the bathroom.
“OWW! Get off! Get off! Argh!” exclaimed Gonzo as he was rudely awakened.
Gonzo pulled himself up into a seated position, groaning and holding his head. “What’s all the fuss about?”
“There’s a tiger in the bathroom,” Fozzy said in a matter of fact manner, the initial shock having worn off.
“Okay, Fozzy. Whatever you say,” Gonzo replied as he turned over and started putting the duvet back over his head.
“I mean it!” said Fozzy, “There’s really a tiger in the bathroom!”
“Fine, okay,” groaned Gonzo as he got up to go and look.
“Don’t go in,” replied Fozzy fearfully.
Gonzo ignored him, opened the door to the bathroom and slowly peered his way in. The next minute he was backing out as fast as he could as he slammed the bathroom door shut.
“Oh crap! There’s actually a tiger in there!” he said laughing. “What’re we going to do with that?!”
Kermit was slowly taking in the wreckage of the room. “Same as what we’ll be doing with this I guess,” he said gesturing at the mess. “I guess I can kiss my AmEx goodbye.”
“How does a tiger get in the bathroom?” Gonzo asked incredulously.
“I don’t remember a thing about last night, do you?” Kermit asked looking over at Gonzo.
“Me either,” replied Gonzo. “Wait. What is that?!” he exclaimed as he pointed at Kermit.
“What’s what?” Kermit asked looking all around him thinking that Gonzo was pointing behind him.
“On your face! All shiney and…. gunkey,” replied Gonzo.
Kermit grabbed a silver tray from the mess on the coffee table in front of him and held it up to his face. The noise he made was something between a croak, gasp and a groan.
“She’s going to kill me,” he said after the initial shock wore off.
Gonzo bounced down next to him on the sofa, jostling his shoulder. “Dude! You did something crazy! Hey! Does this make you a bull-frog
Gonzo laughed hysterically.
Kermit pursed his lips. “Did it have to be a nose ring though? And why don’t I remember getting it done?”
Gonzo laughed. “Let’s go downstairs, grab some food and coffee and see if a bit of refreshment can’t help jog our memories.”
“Where’s Scooter?” Fozzy asked.
“Umm, have a look in the bedrooms Fozzy,” Kermit replied, not able to see him in the room with them.
Fozzy disappeared for a few moments and when he came back he was wearing a baby carrier with a baby rat in it.
“Where on earth did you find that?” asked Kermit, “and where’s Scooter?!”
Kermit was starting to freak out. His voice was rising with each question.
“Shhh,” said Fozzy, “you’ll wake the baby! Scooter’s not here. Also, his mattress is gone.”
“Okay, come on. Breakfast,” said Gonzo, taking control and ordering the other two out of the suite.
They got themselves a table, ordered some breakfast with extra water and orange juice as all of them needed to re-hydrate. Once the food had arrived and they were able to eat and start feeling more like themselves, they started to talk about the night before again.
“Why can’t we remember what we did last night? It wasn’t that long ago,” said Kermit.
Fozzy was busy tickling the baby’s tummy. “Coochy coochy coo! Want to see a trick? Yes, you do!” he then pulled a coin from behind the baby’s ear. “Oooh look at that! Magic ear!”
He then proceeded to do little tricks for the baby even though Kermit did try to point out that the baby wouldn’t have a clue what he was doing.
“We obviously had a great time,” Gonzo said, rubbing his head. “Stop worrying. We’ll find Scooter.”
Kermit pushed his plate to one side. “I can’t just sit here. I’m going to go see if he’s in the hotel somewhere.”
Kermit hopped down from the table and wandered through the restaurant looking around him as he went. He went everywhere that he thought Scooter could possibly have gone and then returned to the others looking rather dejected.
“I looked everywhere, guys,” he told them. “In the gym, the casino, I even asked about him at the front desk. Nobody’s seen him. He’s just not here. Where can he be?”
“Right, then we’ve just got to retrace our steps,” Gonzo said. “Where’s the last place you remember being last night?”
“Well, I remember the first thing was the shots of Jäger on the roof,” replied Kermit.
“And then we went for dinner, right? At The Palm?” asked Gonzo looking thoughtful as he swirled the last of his orange juice.
“That’s right! We went to Hard Rock after to play craps!” exclaimed Kermit as a vague memory of their conversation at dinner came back to him. “We were arguing about who would do better at it.”
“That’s right!” Gonzo said, “Scooter was definitely with us then.”
Fozzy put his knife down from where he’d been buttering some toast and said, “I don’t even remember going to dinner.”
Kermit groaned, “I don’t think I’ve ever been this hung-over.”
“Want me to perform my trick I’m doing for the wedding?” asked Fozzy, “It might take your mind off it.”
“Thank you for the thought, Fozzy, but we’ve really got to work out where Scooter is so we can get back home.” Kermit looked at Gonzo. “Any ideas?”
“We probably have vague memories of the night up to about 10pm, right?” Gonzo replied, “So that gives us 12 hours left that we can’t remember up until waking up in the suite, so we need to retrace our steps somehow.” He raised his hand to his head to scratch his nose whilst he pondered the matter.
“What’s that?” asked Kermit, “On your wrist?”
Gonzo looked at his wrist for a while, as if trying to focus and work out what the hell was going on.
“I think it’s a hospital bracelet,” he replied looking at Kermit as the lightbulb hit. “I was in the hospital!”
“Gonzo! Are you okay?” Kermit asked concerned at this development.
“I’m fine, I’m fine,” Gonzo waved him off.
Fozzy was rooting around in his satchel while all this was going on and pulled something out, placing it on the table.
“This isn’t part of my trick,” he stated matter-of-factly.
Kermit looked over and saw that he had a casino chip.
“We could have stuff in our pockets that could help us see where we went!” he said excitedly as he started pulling everything out of his pockets.
“Do you have anything?” Gonzo asked as he checked his own.
“Oh, wow,” Kermit said, the breath seeming to completely leave his body. “I’m so screwed.”
“What?” asked Gonzo, “What is it?”
“An ATM receipt from The Bellagio for $800,” said Kermit barely able to get the words out he was so in shock from it.
“What time was that?” Gonzo asked completely brushing off Kermit’s obvious panic.
“Five past eleven.”
“Okay, so we were at The Bellagio at five past eleven and I’ve got a valet ticket from Caesars at quarter past midnight,” said Gonzo waving the valet ticket in the air. “This is starting to come together!”
“We drove last night?” Kermit asked incredulously.
“Driving drunk, classic!” laughed Fozzy.
“This is not a good thing, Fozzy!” Kermit reprimanded. “We should not have been doing that!”
“Kermit!” said Gonzo, “This is a good thing, this gives us a lead!”
Kermit nodded, trying to see the good side of everything they’d been faced with so far that morning.
“Hey, Kermit, watch this!” Fozzy said as he took the baby and sparked up a lighter. “I’m going to make him disappear in a puff of smoke!”
“NO!” exclaimed Kermit.
Fozzy looked hurt and confused as Kermit grabbed the baby off him horrified at what might have happened if Fozzy had done whatever he had been planning on doing.
“Now isn’t the time for tricks, Fozzy,” he berated. Then, with a softer tone of voice, “we want to enjoy your trick at the wedding, we won’t be able to if you show us everything you can do now.”
“Okay, Kermit,” Fozzy conceded.
“Come on guys,” said Gonzo. “Let’s go get the car and see what else we can remember.”
They left the table, Fozzy still carrying the baby and the others walking either side of him.
“I don’t think we should take the car, guys,” Fozzy said. “My Dad’s crazy about that car and he specifically said only Scooter was allowed to drive it.”
“Yeah, but Scooter’s not here so we’re just going to have to,” said Gonzo. “Needs must!”
“Scooter could be in hospital, we need to go find out,” Kermit said, worry setting in again.
They walked the rest of the way in silence, well, almost. Fozzy did insist on playing peek-a-boo with the baby even though he was carrying him on his front in a baby carrier, swinging his head from side and making coochy-coo noises.
They got outside to see a crane being backed up to the front of the hotel and, as they looked up to see what it was there for, Kermit gasped.
“That’s Scooter’s mattress!” he whispered, alarmed.
Gonzo patted him on the arm to calm him down, then turned to one of the valet staff.
“Hey, what’s all this about?”
“Some douchebag through his bed outta the window last night,” the valet replied.
“Woah,” Gonzo replied raising an eyebrow at the other two. “Some guys just can’t handle Vegas!”
“Yeah,” replied the valet, taking the ticket that Gonzo offered him.
The valet went off to fetch their car and Kermit looked at Gonzo, lips starting to wobble.
“It’s gonna be okay, Kermit, don’t worry!” Gonzo told him.
“How…. How?” stuttered Kermit turning from Gonzo to the mattress being slowly retrieved from one of the many statues that adorned the front of the hotel.
“Don’t worry about it,” replied Gonzo as the valet pulled up in a police car.
“Here’s your car, officers.”
All three of them just stood and stared at both the valet and the car, dumbfounded.
“Okay, okay,” said Gonzo, “act cool, don’t say a word, just go with it.”
He moved forward and accepted the keys off the valet. There was a moment of scuffle where they were all looking for spare cash to tip the valet, but no-one could find any.
“Sorry, gonna have to get that to you on the way back,” Gonzo told him.
“Thank you, Sir,” replied the valet.
They all got in and headed off from the hotel, Gonzo driving with Kermit in the passenger seat and Fozzy and his found baby in the back. They didn’t manage to get very far though as there was a huge traffic jam outside the hotel.
“This is wrong, this is so wrong,” Kermit worried.
“Can’t you see the fun part in anything?” asked Gonzo, “Think of it like one of my stunts!”
“I am,” replied Kermit through gritted teeth. He wanted to tell his friend that none of his stunts ever work and that’s why he was so worried about this one, but he didn’t have the heart to hurt him that much when they had so much more important things on their plate, like finding Scooter.
Instead, he just said, “We’re in a police car, which we must’ve stolen cos I can’t see how else we’ve got it, there’s a missing baby in the back seat and…..” he gasped loudly as Gonzo switched on the lights and siren and manoeuvred the car onto the pavement. “And now you’re driving on the pavement into crowds of people and you want me to find this fun
“I think the cop-car part’s pretty cool,” said Fozzy.
“Thank you, Fozzy, it is cool!” said Gonzo with a pointed look at Kermit. “Doug would love it.”
Gonzo then picked up the microphone on the dash and started talking into it, “Attention! Attention, please! Move out of the way. I repeat, move out of the way.”
Kermit started to have a mild panic attack, unable to cope with the gravity of what he’d got himself involved in because he’d let Gonzo lead the way.
“Gonzo, stop the car, I need to get out,” Kermit said.
Gonzo just kept on driving, repeating his mantra to get people out of the way.
“Seriously, stop the car, I need to get out.” Kermit was dry heaving by this point, but Gonzo wasn’t listening.
“Hey, you, in the leopard dress, you have an amazing rack!” he said down the microphone.
Fozzy laughed and agreed with him as Kermit started screaming, “Get off the sidewalk!!”
As he drove down the sidewalk and back onto the road again, after the traffic jam, Gonzo whooped with joy and said, “I would have been a cop if my real calling wasn’t so awesome.”
“You work as a lecturer in a school’s science block, is that your real calling cos that’s not awesome,” put in Fozzy from the back seat.
“Yeah, I know, that’s to pay the bills. My real calling is a stuntman and I love doing that job!” Gonzo replied.
He pulled into the parking lot for the hospital and they all got out, none so fast as Kermit who needed to be out of the confined space and away from the car to help settle his frayed nerves. They all headed into the hospital and went in search of the doctor whose name was on the bracelet round Gonzo’s wrist.
“There’s his room,” Kermit said pointing to the name on the door.
They knocked and entered when they were called in. The doctor was sat behind his desk with a computer whirring away in front of him and a stack of medical notes to one side. He looked up expectantly at them as they entered.
“Doc…” started Gonzo before he was interrupted.
“Call me Clifford,” the doctor said, “I remember you guys from last night, where’s the other one?”
“There were definitely four of us?” asked Kermit.
“Yes, four adults, not three and a baby,” Clifford laughed.
“So Scooter was with us then!” Kermit said to Gonzo.
“What was I admitted for?” asked Gonzo.
“You came in with a mild concussion and some bruised ribs. You were fine. Although, none of you could articulate how it happened,” replied Clifford.
“The other guy,” said Kermit, “was he okay?”
“Yeah, he was fine. Except for being whacked out of his brains like the rest of you were,” Clifford replied dismissively.
They all looked at each other.
“We just have a couple more questions,” Kermit asked tentatively.
“Go on then, but be quick I’ve got a surgery in ten minutes.”
“Do you know what time Gonzo and the rest of us were all here?” Kermit asked.
Clifford looked thoughtfully at his desk for a moment.
“Ah!” he said as he rummaged through the pile of notes on his desk. “I have the documents here. Okay, we’ve got it logged as a 2:45am arrival.” He hummed and ahhed as he read through the document. “Oh, this is interesting. Your blood work came in this morning. They found a large amount of Ruphylin in your system.”
The guys all looked at each other puzzled.
“Ruphylin?” Gonzo asked.
“Yep. Ruphylin. Roofies. Commonly known as the date-rape drug,” Clifford replied.
“So you’re saying I was raped last night?” he asked.
“Actually, I don’t think so. I just think someone slipped you the drug. The state you were all in it wouldn’t surprise me if it was slipped to all of you,” replied Clifford. “I’m not surprised you don’t remember anything.”
“Doc, none of us can remember anything from last night. Remember?” Fozzy said clumsily, laughing.
“Yeah, how could someone of drugged us all?” asked Kermit.
“I wouldn’t worry about it,” Clifford said. “The stuff’s out of your system by now. You’re going to be fine.”
Clifford started packing his things up in preparation to go to his surgery, effectively dismissing them from the room.
“Wait, wait!” said Gonzo. “Please, Doc, Clifford, is there anything else?”
“Yes,” picked up Kermit, “like something we were talking about…”
“Or someplace we were going?” finished Gonzo.
“Actually,” Clifford said, pausing his actions. “There was something.”
“What?” chorused Gonzo, Kermit and Fozzy.
“You kept on talking about some wedding last night.”
“Yeah, Scooter’s getting married tomorrow,” replied Kermit dejectedly the hope that they’d find a clue dashed.
“No, not one you were going to, one you’d been to. You’d just come from a wedding. Yes, that’s right.” Clifford picked up his briefcase and the keys to his office and ushered them all out of the door.
“A wedding we’d been to?” asked Kermit, confused.
“Yeah, at the Best Little Chapel. You kept on saying how great it was and getting all crazy about it.” Clifford turned towards the elevators. “I’ve got to head off. I hope our little chat has helped somewhat.”
As the doctor left them to it they all looked at each other in confusion.
“A wedding at the Best Little Chapel? Who do we know around here that we’d have gone to their wedding?” asked Kermit.
“I don’t know, man but we obviously must’ve done so let’s go find the place and see what else we can learn,” replied Gonzo.
They headed back to the borrowed
car (as Kermit was now referring to it in order to stop him from having any further panic attacks about it) and headed back out on the road.
“How are we going to find it?” asked Fozzy.
“We could go find a map from somewhere,” suggested Kermit.
“Or, we could use the built in sat nav in the cop-car!!” crowed Gonzo as he set it up. “Bingo!”
Kermit relaxed a bit at that and they headed off following the automated voice telling them where to find this Chapel they had attended the previous evening. Fozzy had sat the baby in the middle seat of the car with the strap around him and he seemed to be doing okay. He was watching everything that was going on and there were no tears yet. Kermit was watching him in the rear view mirror and wracking his brains to try and remember why or how they had ended up with a baby rat in their hotel suite. He was interrupted by Gonzo slamming on the brakes and almost handbrake turning into the front drive of the wedding chapel they were looking for.
“Looks like it’s open,” Gonzo said, “come on guys, let’s go find out who’s wedding we were at!”
They all got out the car and Fozzy shut the door leaving the baby inside.
“What about the baby?” Kermit said. “We can’t just leave him in the car.”
“Yeah we can,” replied Gonzo, nonchalantly.
“We’re not going to be long,” replied Fozzy, “Be like five minutes and then we’ll be back.”
“We can’t just leave him in the car!” Kermit repeated, his voice rising.
“He’ll be fine!” Gonzo brushed off. “I’ve cracked a window.”
Kermit curled his lip in disapproval, but decided to just go with it. He didn’t fancy taking full responsibility for the baby when it was Fozzy that had found him. It would probably just make things worse because it would upset Fozzy. Deciding that this excuse was enough for him to walk away from the car leaving the baby in it, he followed the other two into the chapel.
“What if they don’t remember us?” he asked.
“We’ll find out in a minute!” replied Gonzo, taking it all in his stride.
The door to the chapel opened into a small waiting area with comfy looking chairs and flowers decorating the space. Opposite was another set of doors and the gang walked through these into a small chapel area with rows of seats all covered in organza, an aisle down the middle and an alter at the end. There were two people by the alter cleaning.
“Excuse me, sir? Hi. Hello,” said Kermit as he got their attention.
The male turned around. “Look at these guys!” he exclaimed throwing his hands out in a welcoming gesture. “What happened? You miss me?”
They all stood looking at him, dumbfounded.
“You miss Floyd?” he asked. “You want some more from me?”
He walked up to them smiling with his arms still out wide.
“How are you?” he said, taking hold of Kermit by the face with both hands. “Look at this guy. You’re one crazy dude!”
Kermit laughed nervously.
Floyd stepped back and grinned at them all as Kermit said, “What’s going on?” hoping that this was the greeting Floyd was expecting.
“Listen, dudes, I’m going to tell you something,” Floyd said in a confiding manner. “I have known some sic people in my life.” He grabbed hold of Kermit’s shoulder. “This guy, this is the craziest, wildest humdinger I ever met in my life!”
“This guy?” asked Gonzo incredulously.
“This guy is out of this world!” confirmed Floyd laughing. “What’s going on, you crazy people?”
Floyd then full on hugged Kermit. Kermit looked a bit shocked and barely reacted to the hug, wondering what the hell was going on.
“What happened?” Floyd asked stepping back and looking at Kermit with concern. “You don’t hug me back? Where’s the love for Floyd?”
“Oh, no! No!” replied Kermit trying to rectify the situation before it turned nasty. “It’s not that, Floyd. It’s just that we’re having a hard time remembering what happened last night.”
“Yeah,” Gonzo butted in, “was there a wedding here?”
“Do you do weddings here?” asked Fozzy, to which Gonzo rolled his eyes.
“Dudes!” Floyd laughed, “You’re breaking my balls!”
“Obviously we were here,” laughed Gonzo. “We’re looking for our friend, Scooter. Do you remember if he was here with us?”
“Yeah, the small guy, like a monkey,” said Floyd.
“Yes! That’s him!” replied Kermit happily.
“Yeah, he was here, he was your best man!” Floyd told him.
“Best man?” Kermit asked.
“Janice, get the boxes out for this fine man,” Floyd called over his shoulder.
Janice left the room by a door at the back of the alter and Floyd led the boys down to the alter and stopped at the desk that was to one side with the register on it. Janice then came back in carrying a couple of boxes full of memorabilia from the wedding the night before.
“Here you go, boys,” she said, smiling.
Kermit picked up a cup from out of the top box and stared at it. It quite clearly showed him in a suit waggling his wedding finger whilst his other arm was draped around a rather attractive blonde.
“And you thought your credit card bill was your only problem,” laughed Gonzo as he looked over his shoulder.
Kermit made a strange, croaking, strangling noise.
Floyd was happily emptying out some of the other memorabilia and Fozzy grabbed a baseball cap and put it on
“Hey, look at me!” he crowed.
“Take that off!” Kermit cried, “I can’t have any evidence of this!”
“Hey, Kermit,” said Gonzo as he waved a photo under his nose. “Isn’t that your grandmothers ring?”
Kermit stared at the photograph and then put his head in his hands as he said, “My life is officially over.”
“Maybe, maybe not,” replied Gonzo cheerfully. “At least we’ve got proof that Scooter was with us.”
The picture showed Kermit and his mystery blonde with Fozzy, Gonzo and Scooter all grinning widely at the camera. It looked like they’d had a fantastic time, but Kermit couldn’t remember any of it and couldn’t for the life of him work out why or how he’d ended up getting married in a Vegas chapel in the middle of his friends’ stag do.
“Here’s your calendar,” said Floyd handing him a wall calendar full of pictures from the wedding. “You and Miss Piggy look mighty happy here!”
“Miss Piggy?” asked Kermit.
“Wow, you really don’t remember anything do you, man!” laughed Floyd. “Miss Piggy is your darling wife, and what a darling she was!”
“Janice, you are my moon and stars,” Floyd told her with a wink to the lads, “but I can still appreciate another man’s beauty when he has one.”
“Here’s the thing,” said Kermit. “She’s not really mine. I’m not sure how all this happened, but it needs to be undone.”
“I can give you a good price for an annulment. Such a shame to do it, but I will if you insist,” said Floyd.
“Oh, I insist!” replied Kermit as he took out his wallet. “Can you do it now?”
“Oh no,” replied Floyd.
Kermit stared at him in dismay.
“I need the both of you here to do that,” Floyd explained when he saw the look on Kermits face.
“Okay, no problem. We’ll just go find her and then come back,” Kermit replied.
“Maybe she’ll know where Scooter is,” said Fozzy thoughtfully.
“Yes, hopefully!” Kermit said. “Then we’ll be able to get out of here and forget all this mess.”
“We don’t know where she lives,” Gonzo pointed out.
“I can help with that,” said Floyd, “you both filled out our paperwork for the wedding to proceed so I have her address right here.”
Floyd produced a piece of paper from one of the desk drawers and handed it to them.
“Come on then!” Kermit shouted as he grabbed the bit of paper and practically ran out of the chapel.
“Don’t you want all your stuff, Kermit?” Gonzo shouted after him, grinning.
Floyd handed one box to Gonzo and one to Fozzy. “You take it out for him,” he said as he ushered them out after Kermit.
Kermit was waiting at the car, not able to get in because Gonzo had the keys. “What’ve you got all that for?”
“It’s your memorabilia, you can’t leave it behind,” laughed Gonzo, thoroughly enjoying the whole thing.
“Yes, yes I can!” yelled Kermit grabbing the box off Fozzy and half throwing, half dropping it on the floor because it was too heavy for him.
He then started kicking the box and jumping on it and just generally trying to destroy all of it whilst waving his arms about in anger and yelling and screaming at them.
Gonzo was just about to step in and stop him, after he finished filming some of it on his phone, when a car came screeching round the corner and came to a sharp halt right next to them. It was enough to stop Kermit’s rage and he turned, breathing heavily, to see what was going on.
Two pigs jumped out of the car, one twiddling a baseball bat in his hands and the other holding a gun.
“Gun!” yelled Kermit, diving for cover behind the car. “Open the door! Open the door!”
“I’m trying!” yelled Gonzo as he fumbled with the keys.
“Where is he?” shouted one of the pigs.
“I don’t know who you’re talking about!” Kermit shouted back as Gonzo managed to unlock the car and the three of them jumped in. “Start it up! Start it up!”
“I am! I am!” Gonzo screeched as he got the engine started.
A gun shot made them all jump and then the pigs were in front of the car yelling at them.
“WHERE IS HE?!”
“Woah!” Gonzo had the car in reverse and was making smoke seem to pour from the car as he tried to reverse without taking the handbrake off.
“HANDBRAKE!” yelled Kermit as one of the pigs shot at the car and the front windscreen shattered.
Gonzo managed to remove the brake and the car shot backwards and into the street. He quickly turned the wheel, turning the car, and then shot off away from the chapel.
“What. The. Hell. Was. That?!” Kermit asked angrily.
“Hey!” replied Gonzo, “Calm down! I have just about as much an idea as you do!”
Kermit was rocking in his seat. “It’s going to be alright. It’s going to be okay. We’re going to be fine.”
“Course we are, dude!” said Gonzo. “We’ve got the birds name and address and she’ll know where Scooter is!”
Gonzo set the sat nav again, this time programming it to take them to Miss Piggy’s apartment, and started following the route. Kermit was glad that it seemed to be taking them further away from the mad pigs with the gun, but as the fear from that particular incident started to fade, the nerves started to kick in about meeting Miss Piggy again. He still couldn’t remember anything about meeting her or how they ended up getting married and he was nervous to have to go meet her and ask for an annulment all in one breath.